Februari 2017

Assalamualaikum wbt. 

Selawat dan salam buat baginda SAW dan kaum kerabat serta para sahabat..

today marks 32/365 days, 2017.

the first entry for this year,

its been a while since i wrote here.

the last few months in 2016.

sincerely and honestly, the period between November 2016 until early January 2017 was not a good time for me. i was depressed within those months. there are not a lot of people who would dare to admit that they are depressed. so was i  during that worst time of my life, was mad and angry if anyone would say that to my face. 

its just now, when I start to see everything thoroughly, i admit that i was depressed. 

that was a worst experience.. got my master degree but being unemployed, no income, went to interviews but never received any feedback and more worst when i'm sending bundle of resumes but never being called for interview. hanging still in the air. still fully depend on my parents on the age where most of my friends are already had their own independent life. i slowly retreated from the real world. refusing to meet my friends on any occasions, leaving my English skill classes with many kind of lame excuses. let alone of leaving any phone calls unanswered and didn't replied any messages. i started to wake up late before noon. yes, 25 years old and i still on the bed at 10 am! and they were done with purpose - i was so lazy and having no mood to do anything because i am a - jobless. i became sensitive and easily mad even on a little mistakes. and there were so many other ugly things that i was too ashamed to recall them back. let me keep that to myself as a lesson.

but Allah is the Only One who'd never leave. one by one thing happened before my eyes where He made me think about the purpose of living in this dunya. in the mid January, i started to pull myself together because no one would be able to save me, if i'm against the first step. scrolling the instagram posts, i found many inspiring thoughts, experiences and quotes. everything starts to fall to their places. 

there is one story (which is i'm still following), that struck me in the heart and remind me how much time i have lost due to my low spirit soul. Almarhumah Nik Idzni Dalila Nik Mahmud (may Allah always rewards her), a cancer fighter since 2013. she has had her fair share in this worldly life. leaving this temporary dunya on last 27 December 2016 on her first wedding anniversary. i dont know but i think i should write something about this. how many pains that she had faced during her lifetime. so many good comments and thoughts about her from her friends. same age with me, but she had done so many good deeds to be remembered. when i - depressing because of not getting any job, being mad and regret of my dull life, keep on questioning why is my life like this..when she - positively and smiling beautifully despite of the battle with the disease. Allahurabbi, i was so low. ='(

i dont know why 'm feeling like this, my eyes are full of tears everytime i look at her pictures. maybe her story s so close to me because we've got the same age, 1991 girls. i pray to Allah, to put her in a good and beautiful place in Jannah (im sure she is in better place, where she won't feel any kind of pain anymore, where everything is pretty and shining like her).. and with His mercy, i'm hoping that Allah will give me a chance to meet her on 'later' days, amin.. may Allah helps her family to face this test and upgrade their iman and sabr. amin..

and with those many kind of stories, i started to see the bright side of everything that happens in my life. maybe today it's still hard, but i know things will get better and better, as long as i keep believing that His mercy won't ever let me down. i look forward for more best things to happen, insya Allah. which means that i need to change. change for better even it might be hard. 

i'm promising myself to smile more. to laugh even at little things. i just... want to. i will do what i love to do and don't do things i don't like. and listen to my heart. insya Allah. 

may Allah show me the light in this dark tunnel. amin..

Al-Fatihah.